When People Aren’t Actually Against You, But They Are for Themselves

I first read The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom when I was in college. At the time, one of the agreements stood out to me: “Don’t take anything personally.” Honestly, I remember laughing. How could I not take things personally when they felt so... personal?

Over the years, though, I’ve come to understand the wisdom behind this advice. Put another way, in general, people aren’t against you — they’re for themselves. Their actions, reactions, and decisions are driven by their own needs, fears, and desires. Non-Violent Communication teaches that everything someone does is an attempt (whether beautifully done or horribly executed) to fulfill his / her own needs.

When someone’s words, actions, or inactions hurt you, what might shift if you knew it actually wasn’t personal? What if you couldn’t even entertain the idea that they were trying to hurt you, or that it had anything to do with you at all? Imagine knowing, without a doubt, that it was about their needs, fears, and desires, and not about you.

People can do some pretty awful, hurtful, and crazy-making things.  This line of thought is not meant to excuse or condone that behavior.  But if your goal is peace and personal freedom, could this perspective help ease the sting?

With warmth,
Amy