Pendulum Swings and Our Evolving Selves

"Whose life is this anyways?" That thought kept echoing as I marched forward, feet steady on the dark trail. It was early—just me, my pack, and my headlamp. How did I become someone who hikes alone in the dark and travels solo?

Growing up, I wasn’t an independent child. I never wanted to be alone. First, I was scared. Second, I loved being with my people and thought, “Why would I do it by myself when I could do it with someone I love?” But now, in my forties, it feels like I’ve entered a second round of toddlerhood, insisting, “I do it myself!”—with shoes on backward and hair a mess. To say the pendulum has swung all the way feels like an understatement.

A few years ago, life demanded I embrace greater independence, challenge my beliefs about what I was capable of, and find happiness without relying so heavily on connection with others.

At first, need for this shift felt like devastating loss—hurt, sadness, and an overwhelming sense of "not good enough." Then came anger and defensiveness: “Aren’t I enough as I am? Why do I have to change?” But gradually, I began to see my circumstances as an opportunity for growth and becoming.

Truthfully, I didn’t know how to be alone. I relied on others to be my adventure partners and to define what I could and couldn’t do. While I excelled in my responsibilities, I carried deep fears about what I wasn’t capable of. It also feels important to note that much of my identity was built around who I was to others—wife, mother, daughter, volunteer, and right-hand in my husband’s business.

Slowly, I began doing more on my own. The more I branched out, the more mistakes I made, and the more I learned. With each experience, I felt more empowered. I recognize that my intense need to do things on my own these past years is likely a phase, a period of proving something to myself—facing my fears and showing myself what I can achieve.

Lately, though, I feel another shift. The pendulum seems to be drawing more toward the center. I’m beginning to wonder: Even if I can do it all alone, do I want to? I’m still exploring this, but it reminds me how much I admire our human capacity for change and growth.

We evolve. We allow—sometimes even encourage—our pendulums to swing in new directions, adapting to what life asks of us. And perhaps, eventually, we find new balance somewhere in the middle.

With warmth,

Amy