How am I? The 50/50 of Life.

Lately, I find myself unable to answer the question, “How are you?” with a simple, “Great!” or “I’m fine.” The reality is that there's so much more to it than that. I am wonderful, and I am struggling. I am happy, and I feel low. I am thriving, and I also wish I were further along than I am.

Life coach Brooke Castillo teaches the concept that life is 50/50—50% good, right, and positive; 50% bad, wrong, and negative. While the math of this is an oversimplification, I have found the concept hugely useful.

So much of our suffering comes from resistance. We suffer more when we cling to the belief that “this shouldn’t be happening,” or when we try to quash our negative emotions, telling ourselves we shouldn’t feel that way, shouldn’t be down, should be happier, or should be more grateful.

I was working with a client who was going through a frightening and dramatic illness. “I just want to be happy,” she said. “I want to be appreciative of my life, and I want to find the silver lining in this.” As our conversation unfolded, we discussed: If something terrible happens in the world, do you want to be happy about it? Hard, unfair, challenging, terrible things happen sometimes—do you want to be happy about them? Do you need to find the silver lining? Is it ever okay, appropriate, or even desirable to be upset, angry, or sad?

She stopped crying, and her breathing regulated. “I want to be happy and appreciative about the good things in my life. I want to be sad and upset about my illness.” When she gave herself permission to feel negative emotion, she found a different level of acceptance. Instead of fighting to be happy with a grievous circumstance, she chose to allow herself to mourn the current state of her health. Allowing the negative emotion in turn allowed her to better connect to the positive in her life.

What would change for you if you considered that life is supposed to be both good and bad? That it is desirable and appropriate to allow both positive and negative emotions? That when you’re having an off day, perhaps there is nothing to resist or fix?

So how am I? I’d say I’m about 50/50.

With warmth,

Amy