So what exactly do I mean by “Good Girl Conditioning?”
Let me leave this explanation up to sharing a few excerpts. They’re spot on. And something else to note? Men are placed in these boxes, too. Their boxes just look different. We need to break down the boxes, people. But back to Good Girl Conditioning….
The first excerpt is taken from Kasia Urbaniak’s book, Unbound:
Good Girls are chaste and selfless. They're modest, accommodating, upbeat, friendly, low-maintenance, and appropriate…. A Good Girl is moderate, in temperament and appetite. She avoids conflict, responds in a timely fashion, considers others first, and is an expert at making do. She never outshines anyone, but she never falls behind, either. She adapts and harmonizes, responding to circumstances, and she doesn't ruffle feathers--which is precisely why she can never be a catalyst for change.
And we haven't even gotten to the Good Girl's newest and most insidious iteration: the Independent Woman, or Good Girl 2.0. The Independent Woman brings home the bacon and fries it up in a pan. She doesn't ask for help; she doesn't need it! She's got this -- and if she doesn't, she's a wizard at MacGyvering what she needs from nothing. Of course, it's a trap. Whereas the Good Girl is supposed to behave and not want anything, the Independent Woman can have whatever she wants-- as long as she can get it herself. She doesn't burden anyone. She doesn't ask for help or favors. She's endlessly resourceful and competent, which usually means that she ends up helming the ship.
I also love how Urbaniak describes “The Smush”:
You're too mousy or you're too outspoken. You're an airhead or you’re a know-it-all bore; you're a pushover or you're a bitch. You're frigid or you're a slut. (And when I ask a room full of women how many of them have been accused of being both -- sometimes at the same time, and for the same behaviors!-- I see a sea of hands.) You care too much about your family and not enough about your career, or maybe it's the other way around, but either way, you're walking a tightrope so narrow that there's barely an inch to move in either direction before you've fallen off the other side. Sound familiar? Meet the Smush. The Smush -- an inelegant name for a precarious position -- is the ledge most women live on, the almost invisible amount of real estate between "too much" and "not enough."
The second excerpt is character Gloria (America Ferrera)’s monologue from the 2023 movie, Barbie:
It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people.
You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood.
But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.
You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don't even know.
“Name one Good Girl who changed the world.
You can't -- because she can't. It is the Good Girl's job to maintain the status quo.”-Kasia Urbaniak